August 2012 Sextrology: Let’s Get Butt Naked!

August 2012 Sextrology, Let’s Get Butt Naked!: Yes! August is here, which means it is your last opportunity to really show out and have a ball before the fall season begins to approach. I know this summer has surely been hot and spicy for some of you diva’s, while for others– it’s literally been a dating hell!

Think about this– much of the relationship drama we experience at work, home or play is a direct reflection of what we see in ourselves. Problem is, you can’t really see yourself when you are buried under layers of protective armor? We tend to spend the winters of our lives so covered up and protected from the cold world, that even once life heats up, we’re still expecting a snow storm. So I ask you, “When is the last time you got naked?”

This month I challenge you to strip down. Get butt naked. Take it all off. Stand in the mirror and get a full view of who you really are. Uncover your faults, lose your inhibitions and take it all off! The drama, the excuses, the body magic…let it all hang out! Stretch marks, cellulite, bullet wounds and all! You’ll be surprised how many “singles” get thrown at you when you strip down and bask in the sun! ( If one of those singles is 6’1 and chocolate, make sure he has a twin brother for me!)

Remember, this is all in fun! Enjoy!

ARIES: Your house is a reflection of your life.  Which is…A MESS!!!  It’s time to do some late spring cleaning.  Your apartment is so junky that you can’t even invite a guy over.  You haven’t had sex in months!  And you can’t go over his house because your type of guy always lives with his momma, his baby momma or is homeless….so you need to clean up!!!  Once you throw away the garbage in your living quarters, the clutter in your life will go away as well. Get your house clean, then we maybe we can get rid of your funky attitude!

TAURUS:  Hooray!!  You took the 1st step and joined a 12-Step program so that you can get your life together!   Now, 3 months later, it’s time you take the 2nd step and actually GO TO A MEETING!!!  Last time I checked,  Alcoholics Anonymous did not have an online degree program.  And, I know you went one time, but not only were you drunk at the meeting, you were high too!!!  Then, you went to work the next day and told everyone that you saw your co-worker at the meeting.  Did anyone tell you what Anonymous means?  This is no time to be stubborn Taurus, get sober now.  YOU DRUNK BITCH!!!!

GEMINI:  There are two sides to every story, and your two-faced ass knows both of them!  It’s to the point where all of your friends know that if you say one thing, it really means the complete opposite.  We all know that whenever you say that you are a professional full-figured model walking the runways of Paris and Milan that the truth is your grandmother got you tickets to see the Ebony Fashion Fair Fashion Show.  Stop the madness!!!   And tell your grandmomma to stop wearing that Fashion Fair Foundation and “coffee” colored stockings in the summer time!

CANCER: You have been single for a while now, and every time you get in a relationship it does not work.  This time, instead of being so quick to blame it on the men you date, take a closer look at yourself.  When your last date asked your opinion about the upcoming election, you said you didn’t really like Mimi or Jocelyn and the Evelyn and Tami was “about this life”.  What.the.hell? Stop watching reality tv and get a reality check.  There are no reunion specials in real life…you get one chance to live it! Do it now!

LEO:  So many good things have been happening for you lately that you may think they are too good to be true!  And that’s your problem, you think too much!! Stop over analyzing things and enjoy the fruits of your labor.  Stay focused, but don’t spread yourself to thin.  You can be Amazing at one thing, Excellent at two things, Great at three things but when you start adding 5 or more projects at one time, you just become mediocre at a bunch of stuff, and a MASTER of nothing!!  Leo, you are a master, but what kind is the question?  Are you Leroy or Show-nuff?  You got the glow girl, now use it!!!  (Watch the “Last Dragon” before you ask me what the hell I am talking about).

VIRGO: It’s hard to love you!  You are so hypercritical of everyone.  Except, you forget to analyze the person who needs the most help—YOU!!  If you spent more time concentrating on your short comings, the world would be a better place!!  Around the 23rd, I say have a small dinner party at home, invite your closest friends that you trust and love, and have them all go around the room and tell you all the shit you do that gets on their nerves.  Only give them a 5 minute limit because if not, you all will be there until the 26th. Let them say what they have to say without you correcting their grammar or trying to contradict them.  Listen. Reflect. Change.  Those are your three power words. Use them!

LIBRA:  You complain day after day about hating your job. Your boss is an anal-retentive micro-manager who doesn’t acknowledge your talent.  Your co-workers are lazy and take credit for your ideas.  The lunch sucks, the commute is too far and even the custodial workers get on your nerves.  Well, I have a solution.  GET A NEW JOB!!   But you know what, even if you change jobs the problems will follow because YOU are the problem.  Your boss is constantly on you because you never finish projects on time, your co-workers are tired of you calling in sick, and the custodial guys want your cheap ass to stop stealing the toilet paper and taking it home!! How do you wipe your ass with that hard paper anyway?

SCORPIO:  Have you ever heard of a mental illness called body dysmorphic disorder (BDD)?  It’s when you see a flaw on your body and fixate on it, to the point where even the most beautiful people think they are ugly.  You have the opposite.  You have let yourself go, but for some reason you still think you are fine as hell!!  Your friends try to tell you that you have let yourself go, but of course they are just hating because you look flawless, right?  You don’t have a man because your beauty is intimidating, right?  And everyone says you should model!  Being the “BEFORE” picture is not modeling, honey!  Deal with whatever has you feeling down in the dumps and get back to being the fly diva you used to be.

SAGITTARIUS: You are a rock star!  But you don’t know it! You spend so much time taking care of your man and helping him fulfill his dreams, that you forgot that you have dreams too!  It’s time to pay attention to you!!  You are playing the supporting role in your own romantic comedy when you should be the STAR!!  You are the Dreamgirl! Now Deana, I advise you to ask for a re-write of this script and make sure that you have just as many lines as your leading man.  If he is not willing to share the spotlight, this movie can turn into a murder mystery real quick, you feel me?  Or, you can always hook-up with that cute guy that works in the mailroom at your job and win an Oscar starring in an action thriller!!!  Yessss!!!!!

CAPRICORN: You play life by the rules which means you are bored out of your mind.  Who made these rules anyway?  This summer is the perfect opportunity to do some of the things you never thought you would!! You’ve always wanted to go to Africa, but none of your friends can afford the always wanted to go to Africa, but none of your friends can afford the overseas for a while. Do it!  Sign-up for that Salsa class now!!  Start that home business today!!  Life is short, and you are getting old chick! You may be surprised that once you get started, you may inspire others to take a chance!!

AQUARIUS: They say you can’t turn a hustler into a husband.  You obviously did not get the MEMO.  You settled for being his “chick on the side” and then when he left his baby momma, you thought he was going to be yours exclusively.  WRONG!!  Now, he has a new main squeeze that he wants to be faithful to, and there is no more room for you!! Instead of getting mad at him, how about you become the #1 person in somebody’s life–Your Own.

PISCES:  Last month you were a party promoter.  Today you decided you are going to be a model.  Next month I am sure you will be producing films and pursuing a singing career before you decide to open a restaurant/car wash/bowling alley/barbershop this fall.  Pisces, you are a dreamer, and that’s cool.  But if you do not figure out what you want to do, your life is going to become a nightmare!!  There are times you feel that your family and friends don’t really know you.  But that’s because you keep switching identities!  No one can believe in you if they don’t know who you are.  Pick an identity and stick to it.  And this time, make sure it has good credit!!

About the Author: Erica Watson is an actor, stand-up comedian, writer and film/television director. She’s was born and raised in Chicago’s Hyde Park neighborhood and has a BA and MA from Columbia College Chicago. She appeared in the Oscar nominated film “Precious,” following starring in the feature film “Dirty Laundry.”   She has also been featured on TLC’s Big Sexy, The Dr. Phil Show, The Oxygen Network, The WE Channel, Black Entertainment (BET), MSG-TV and is a recurring talking head for The TV Guide Network.  Her critically acclaimed 1 woman show “Fat Bitch!” is touring around the US, and is a funny, yet thought provoking look at America’s obsession with weight. Erica is also a blogger for the Huffington Post.

Erica Watson

About Columnist, Erica Watson

Born and raised in Chicago’s Hyde Park neighborhood, with a BA and MA from Columbia College Chicago, Erica Watson is an actor, stand-up comedian, writer and film/television director. She appeared in the Oscar nominated film “Precious,” following starring in the feature film “Dirty Laundry.” She has also been featured on TLC’s Big Sexy, The Dr. Phil Show, The Oxygen Network, The WE Channel, Black Entertainment (BET), MSG-TV and is a recurring talking head for The TV Guide Network. Her critically acclaimed 1 woman show “Fat Bitch!” is touring around the US, and is a funny, yet thought provoking look at America’s obsession with weight. Erica is also a blogger for the Huffington Post.

Comments

  1. sexydoll says

    This is the stupidest horoscope page ever!! It’s a disservice to the diva plus website

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