I can’t lie….I am given pause when I see the HOT NOW sign at Krispy Kreme.
God forbid you live somewhere that only has Dunkin Donuts. I used to live near the world famous Krispy Kreme on Ponce de Leon in Atlanta and it just so happened that EVERYTIME I passed by, that sign would be lit and calling out to me.
The point of that story is, if a man said, “Zette, I want you to give up Krispy Kreme for me!” I’d politely tell him, ” Kiss my butt. You’ll have to love me with or without glaze crust around my mouth.”
An acquaintance and I were talking about her fiancé and joking about the stereotype that African men like their women with meat on their bones. I was giggling until I noticed that she had this somber look on her face. “That’s not always true,” she quietly remarked.
I asked her if he had an issue with the fact that she was full figured. She gave me this sad look and replied, “He told me that he’s marrying me because of who I am on the inside and not because of what I look like. When we met I was smaller and although he’s dealt with my weight gain and wants me to be happy, he’d still like for me to lose some weight.”
I sat there perplexed. Before I could process what she’d just said, she concluded her story with, “I know I have to lose some weight to keep my man girl.”
This beautiful and talented woman was not saying this to me…I couldn’t believe it.
I don’t want to start talking in clichés, but the greatest love by far will always be self-love. I couldn’t wake every morning worried about if my man has an issue with how much I weighed. I’d rather worry about if my breath was fresh enough for some morning sugar; you know something that makes clear and perfect sense.
Ladies, would you lose weight for your guy?
Suezette -- Daily Venus Diva.
Such a great piece!! Thanks for sharing.
No, I wouldn’t lose weight for my man. I am blessed that my husband loves me as I am, but if he ever asked me to lose weight we’d be having a very, very long discussion. But it’s sad that beautiful, talented, intelligent, strong women are feeling that they have to conform to a certain image in order to be loved. And I love your paragraph about worrying about something that makes clear and perfect sense!
~ Layla
This article reminds me of the comedian Mo’nique…..she said her hubby said the same thing, and she lost the weight! It would def make me uncomfortable….
Nope! I struggled too much with how-should-I-look-in-order-to-be-loved when I was younger, so now this is not an option anymore. I mean, if I were willing to do that, what would be the next step? Another change in my looks? Or in my character? Why are men entitled to feeling absolutely fine with their beer gut or whatever and women are doomed to not being loved if they are above a certain standard? If love were a matter of size, looks, perfection, then all thin and great looking people would be adored (and we all know that this is absolutely NOT the case) and all less than perfect souls would be doomed to loneliness (which, as we also know, is absolutely NOT the case). Looks can be a very attractive encasing of what’s inside us, and it may attract people for a first look, just like any fancy product. Whether those passers-by are going to stay, is a question of the “product’s” essence: what we really are. In a world that supposedly recognizes the beauty in difference, it’s really sad to see a new face in discrimination. Change your looks if you feel like it, change your weight if you feel like it or if it’s a matter of health, but NOT because someone uses it in order to manipulate you into being something that you won’t recognize and, after all, wasn’t the person he got attracted to in the first place.
NO! NO! NO! You should never have to change anything about your looks in order to be “LOVED” by someone else, NO!
This topic came right on time because I am reminded of the days where I was called a fat you know what and was told I meant nothing and that my body was ugly and so on and so forth. I could list the many awful names that I was called when an argument would arise because I didn’t fit his standard of what “beauty” was. I allowed myself to be bullied by internalizing those feelings for a while and it was then that I realized I only gained more weight. I had gone from a size 14 – 24 in no time and it was then that I realized that I was not loving myself. I started taking better care of my body and continued to write poetry and surround myself with good people that cared for me regardless of my size. These women and some guys helped nuture positive thoughts and it was then that I realized that I was carrying too much emotional “weight”. I wasn’t down and out because I was “fat”, I was hurt because the person I thought loved me for who I was, actually didn’t. I am sharing this with you because you have to love yourself first, fat, skinny in bewtween whatever. You have to love yourself and realize that Jesus loves you too and you are worthy to be loved. You are precious in God’s sight. I know some of you probably don’ want me to “preach” but this is what helped me. I am now doing things that I NEVER thought I would ever be able to do and it is not because I am so confident or so perfect but instead it is because I chose to learn to love myself, no matter what a man, a parent, a friend or the world says about me. That is just one reason why I love Mary J. Blige’s “Take Me As I AM”.
Ladies please please love yourselves and truly you will THRIVE! GOD BLESS!
It’s easy to say don’t change your looks when you already have somebody but for those of us who are still single, and watch as our thin counterparts get everything their hearts desire while those of us who are plus-sized (I’m a size 24) continue to be rejected by men because of their size, then we have to take a second look at ourselves. I’m not saying it’s right that her man wants her to be smaller but MOST men judge women based on the outside and not on the inside. I have been single for 7 years, and I too, used to believe that changing my looks was unacceptable. But now, I’ve matured and realized that if I don’t want the leftovers, the ones that no one else wants, that I’m going to have to lose weight. I have decided to have weight loss surgery because at 308 pounds, no man wants me. It’s sad but true. We live in a thincentric world and until that changes, the fat girl is always going to come in last place. These are the best years of my life, and I want to be like Kim Kardashian, being picky about who I date, not settling. For those of you who disagree with me, I’m sorry but being fat is too hard most days and other than my two cousins, I’m the fattest person in my family. I stay in the house because it’s summer, and it’s too hot outside but I know one things for sure, when you lose weight, men notice and I want to be noticed. Also, there’s too much racism in the fat acceptance movement. I was on Kate Harding’s website talking about discrimination against black people and was attacked by almost every single person on there. These same fat girls that were sprewing about fat discrimination didn’t care enough about the discrimination against black people. It made me realize that I was in the WRONG movement. With that said, I don’t see why anyone would want to be fat except for queer women that are mad that they don’t get enough attention. With that said, I’m not going to wait another seven years listening to the b.s. sprouted by women who already have somebody. You do you and I’m going to do me!
I used to be able to slam my fist down and shout from the mountaintops my own version of a hell no to answer this question. But then I was faced with the dilemma.
When I met my fiance, I was 250lbs. Granted, I’m 5’10, but still. I was solid– and that was AFTER losing almost 20lbs to get to that point. My best friend (who’s ALWAYS been small) met him first at an event and tried to hook us up– but he ended up falling for her for obvious (waistline) reasons. While they dated, I lost even more weight, so even after they broke up, we ended up remaining friends. Months and months later, when we started having eyes for each other, he told me that being attracted to me was one of the hardest things for him to fathom because I was thick.
It hurt. A lot.
So I walked around with this huge fear that if I gained an oz of weight, that he’d want to dump me. But in all of that, an interesting thing happened: when I let me light shine in the relationship anyway, he ended up growing in love with ME. Every dimple, every curve, every fold… all of me. He kisses and hugs places that I tuck away in a girdle in a New York second– and squeezes places that I suck in whenever I see a cute guy. But what he’s finally revealed after all this time isn’t the fact that, yes, I have lost over 50lbs, but I’m still not a perfect size (insert single number here), but its the WAY I carry myself, take care of him, show him love/support like no one else has done for him, etc that makes him love me so much.
So, I’d say, no, don’t lose the weight for a guy. Lose it for yourself, if you so choose, but even if the guy isn’t loving the skin you’re in now, don’t give him a scowl every time you see him just because HE hasn’t come around to see how awesome you really can be. But if you’re one of those chicks with a cynical, stank attitude… I wish you all the best.
The answer is for Piper: although I respect your point of view, I’d recommend you read a couple of Geneen Roth’s books while you are working on your weight loss. They are a great eye-opener about what weight is most times all about. Whatever you decide, best of luck in achieving your goal weight and, of course, in finding a great guy.