This is not going to be a 40-Year-Old Virgin rip off. I am not some socially inept guy who collects action figures and stores them in pristine packaging, works at a Best Buy equivalent, and rides a bike to work.
While that is full-on arrested development at its finest, my life isn’t on hold, or at least not all aspects of it. I am not a kid trapped in an adult’s body. I am actually pretty mature for my age – at least that’s what friends tell me. I have a career. I am at a good company, in a good position, making a decent salary. I have pretty good taste (I think) in movies, books, interior decoration and music. I don’t have stuffed animals lining my bed or anything. I don’t listen to Justin Beiber, or secretly online stalk the actors from Twilight.
But the fact remains that unless something changes, come this winter, I will be a 30-year-old virgin.
The status of my V-card is not due to any religious fervor. I just haven’t anyone that I actually like enough to consummate our relationship in such a way. And, call me old fashioned, but I think love should probably come into play as well!
So, by this point, if not as soon as you saw the title of this, you are asking yourself, “Ok, what’s wrong with her?” Oh sure, blame me. No, you’re probably right. I am overweight, ok fat, ok morbidly obese. Think more along the lines of Rosie O’Donnell. And here’s the thing about making that comparison, Rosie’s got a wife, I assume she’s even had lovers. Yet I can’t find boyfriend or husband. And that’s my main problem. I look around, at heavy, robust, zaftig high school and college classmates, colleagues, the small handful of plus-size movie stars out there, and see that they have boyfriends, significant others, husbands, lovers, et al. I mean, come on! What the hell? I am not ugly, I don’t have acne or weird features, horns or female-pattern baldness. I don’t smell, hygiene is very important to me. I have pretty hair, good teeth, people tell me I’m funny – I mean, I know for sure I don’t have Asperser’s. I don’t have a face that only a mother could love and trust me, I’m not delusional, I am my own worst critic and I would tell you if I were ugly because, really, I’m telling you everything else.
So, yes, I’m fat, but so are plenty of other people who are, as evidenced by their marital status, getting some, or have gotten some, as evidenced by their offspring. However I am not. To be honest, I haven’t even really dated anyone. I mean, I had a boyfriend in 8th grade and we held hands and kissed, but I don’t think that counts. I didn’t date at any other point in high school, or college – I mean I made out with a few random strangers on a few occasions including once in the UK, where I think more people are overweight so maybe it’s not such a big deal. I have lived throughout the country and I haven’t had any luck in any particular region – I would think that the south would be more forgiving of plumpness, I mean think of all the fried food, but not so. I also must say that I am pretty shy when you first meet me and if we don’t get to know each other you may start to think that I can’t actually speak, but my friends, family and even some work colleagues know that once you get to know me I will not shut up. I love to tell funny, self-depreciating stories, and make people laugh. And, I am a big flirt with guys I know.
In fact, the one almost-relationship I had involved a friend who I had known, and flirted with, for years. He actually ended up making the first move but I wasn’t attracted to him. I mean, objectively speaking, he is attractive and nice, but when you don’t feel it, you don’t feel it. Of course, you might be thinking that I missed my big chance and I should have just gone for it, but just because you’re fat doesn’t mean you don’t feel attraction like everyone else. Besides, that was about eighty years ago and I wasn’t so desperate about my continued celibacy at that point.
So getting back to that small handful of famous fatties, I am obsessed with knowing their sizes and weights. I will spend hours, during which I really should be working, googling stars to try and determine their dress size. I mean, if you are size 12 or below, forget it, I am not interested in you. Hollywood may say that you are an orca at size 8, but I know that is so not true. I want to know if someone is a 12 or above because that is what they sell in plus-size clothing stores. I want to know how someone like me can be considered attractive, or at least be considered as having relationship potential. I am obsessed with sizes and weights the way other people may count calories. I want to find someone just like me so that I know it’s possible to have love, be loved, at this size.
You may well be thinking that my shyness is really my downfall and the ultimate reason I am not meeting anyone and you may be right. But here’s my question, how do I meet someone? I mean, honestly. I recently moved to a new city where I have no friends. And, even in places where I had a large group of friends, I didn’t meet anyone that way either. I don’t know of anyone who wants to set up one of their friends with their fat friend. Online dating is also a minefield. I mean, how do I really make it clear that I am obese without scaring someone off entirely? Go on eHarmony or Match and you’ll see what I mean. eHarmony doesn’t even have a clear way to state it and Match is filled with euphemisms like “curvy” or “full-figured”, I mean those terms could describe Joan from Mad Men and she is not obese. I have set up accounts on dating sites, even started initial conversations with guys but haven’t taken it any further. I mean, I want to sell them on my personality, and I am not interested in lying about my body type, but when do you drop that bombshell? What if it’s the first thing you share and the conversation stops before it ever began?
What if you totally mesh personality-wise, share similar interests, and, eventually he wants to meet? If you tell him then and he doesn’t want to me that will be a blow. Or, what if he still wants to meet but, once he catches a glimpse of you, changes his mind. I know that there are photo options on these sites but photos never tell the whole story. A photo can’t tell you that I have a great personality, am funny, love animals, have a master’s degree, read historical fiction, own every David Sedaris book, have traveled to 15 countries. Sure, my info section will give you those details, but if you see my photo first, will you even look twice?
About the Author: Christina Abel is a journalist from Nebraska. Over the past ten years she has lived in Wisconsin, Wales, New York, Florida and Colorado. She has worked as a newspaper reporter, photographer, freelance writer and marketing writer.
Daily Venus Diva -- Daily Venus Diva.
Hi Christina,
I’m glad that you decided to give eHarmony a try. We believe there is someone special out there for everyone, and a visit to our Success Stories page shows that members of all sizes have found the Love of their Life on our site: http://www.eharmony.com/success.
There are many reasons why members may doubt whether they can successfully find their special match on our site. So you and others can get support and helpful feedback and suggestions, we created our free Advice site: http://advice.eharmony.com/. Here you can meet and discuss with other eHarmony members various aspects of the eHarmony process and your experience. I hope you will reach out to our Advice community so that we can help you have the best eHarmony experience possible.
Also, you are welcome to follow me on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/eharmony_jack. I’m always glad to provide assistance and support.
All the best.
Jack
I think dating has a lot more to do with confidence + your personal appearance. Confidence radiates and can almost be seen just as well as your physical appearance. I think when a woman dresses she should always dress in a manner that pleases the eye (not provocative or overly sexed up). This naturally draws the attention of men. Also, defining your waist evokes men’s instincts and attracts them (they are instinctually drawn b/c they think you are a healthier breeder…LOL…go figure). I have always done this. I am pretty darn overweight too, but that has never (and I mean never) prevented me from having my pick of the men folk….lol.
Great tips Chastity!
Hi Christina,
Despite what all those lose-your-cellulite-and-find-the-man-of-your-dreams ads suggest, more times than we think dating has nothing to do with weight but with the way that people carry this around and feel about it. With times changing and people becoming more isolated and less trusting, I’m sure there are plenty of girls your age out there who are anywhere from size 0 to you-name-it and still haven’t found “that” guy. But since you do worry about the first impression and the way someone might be inhibited by a photograph on their way to reach personality, why don’t you try Venus Diva Dating? It’s a dating site for fuller-figured people where the guys and ladies who are there know what they’re looking for: a fuller-figured partner, male or female, so no surprises.
A warning: you’ll still have to go through all sorts fo weirdo’s or simply people you don’t click with, but at least you’ll have a feeling of choice, since people’s cup of tea is exactly what you have to offer, plus, they’re on a dating site, so the message is pretty straightforward.
I am NOT some secret representative of the website, I just thought I’d give you a tip that might be useful.
BEST OF LUCK!
Kind regards,
Caterina
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!
This topic has bothered me for some time now and although Chastity makes some great points, there is definitely more to the story than meets the eye. We cannot forget that confidence and personal appearance is dependent on social media and upbringing, and as plus-size women support is difficult to come by in either aspect, although sites like these are making a wonderful difference.
In regards to the whole celibacy situation, I hear ya Christina! I feel like our society puts wayyyy too much pressure and emphasis on sex and it definitely has had an effect on our behaviors and thought process. Although women have greater sexual freedom now than ever before, there may be new pressures on our younger generations to act in ways they may not want to as to fit in and have the experience. People are more than welcome to do as they please and sleep with who they’d like, but I will always have a problem with those who put pressures on others for not jumping to every opportunity to have sex just to do it (and get it over with) when it’s not what one wants to do.
From everything that I’ve read, you sound like a great person who’s on the hunt for someone that is willing to like you as soon as he sees you. To tell you the truth, love is not always about the good, there are a lot of bad too and to find love you fail first. I am a big girl too, call it fat if you must, but I met my love online, we were friends and it carried on for a year. After that year we started talking on the phone and he found himself liking me more, and I, him. After I jokingly suggested he come visit me, and he agreed, he came to my house and at first he was shocked. He didn’t know that I was a big, he didn’t like me at first and I didn’t like him at first. After we hung out for a while we found ourselves falling for one another. After we dated for several months, I found out that he didn’t like me at first and was turned off by my size, it hurt a lot and I was scared. I wasn’t sure how to take it, but I didn’t like the situation, it took me a long time to realize that he doesn’t feel that way anymore and he realized that I had more to offer and that my image wasn’t all there was to me.
Besides my love story, I guess what I’m trying to say is that don’t be afraid to try things out, you won’t know unless you try, and that sounds cliche but it’s so true. Meet men online (safely) and talk to them, become friends to get to know one another and then try the dating, if he accepts you than that’s great, if not, at least you know. You sound like a great person, and I am sure you’re beautiful but the man that you’re waiting for has to fall into your trap first, as mine did and then you will find love! My boyfriend told me that he was sucked in, even though he wasn’t attracted to me, there was no other girl like me and all the great things that I had to offer just was too good to give up, I’m positive that that is something that your love will have in common with mine! Good luck and who cares if you’re a virgin, it’s not all about sex.
Christina,
I’m so sorry you’ve had such a hard time, but like most of the other commenters, I do believe confidence plays a part, your clothes and how you carry yourself. I met my husband in Southern Europe, where someone my size (16/18) is considered especially huge. But it never seemed to be an obstacle for him, dating and later marrying that “flashy, curvy American” …. besides I have male and female relatives and friends that are much larger than myself and have found lasting love. Take care of you, and be confident about who you are, and the rest will come along eventually, although you may have to deal with a lot of frogs before you find exactly what you’re looking for. Sites and groups aimed at a plus size public may well be the answer, if nothing else, just because you’ll feel more comfortable and confident among a public that is less likely to judge others based on size.
Best of luck and best wishes, I really liked this piece, thanks for sharing.