Parenting By Personality

What To Do When Your Child Is Nothing Like You?

She’s a wallflower; you’re the life of the party. Couch potato; soccer star. Stylesetter; slob. When raising an opposite, focus on understanding your child rather than on your differences.

Raising a child who’s nothing like you can feel like a voyage to an alternate universe. But it’s also an opportunity to nurture a unique personality rather than experience a mini-me. “Every child is born with a particular temperament, which doesn’t change, only evolves,” explains child development specialist Betsy Brown Braun, author of You’re Not the Boss of Me. “From day one, it’s your job to get to know your children; it’s not their job to get to know you.” Still, knowing them can be tricky if you don’t “get them.” Meet six “dynamic duos,” opposing parent-child personalities that clash more than mesh. Our experts sort through their challenges and confusion—so you can discover ways to help your own child thrive.

SpongeBob vs. Zen Master

Your child is high-spirited; You’re laid-back.

What you need to know

This is his innate temperament; he doesn’t bounce around and beg for attention just to bother you.

“Personality is inborn, but how you guide and respond to children can influence their personalities and how well they get along in the world,” says Tanya Altmann, MD, a clinical professor of pediatrics at UCLA and author of the American Academy of Pediatrics’ Mommy Calls.

What to do

First, try not to quash your child’s intense feelings, even if they unnerve you. Telling him to “calm down” may make him feel frustrated and rejected. “Instead, say something like ‘I see how upset you are; that situation made you really angry,’” suggests Jenn Berman, PsyD, a Los Angeles–based family therapist and author of The A to Z Guide to Raising Happy, Confident Kids.

Then give him a schedule and set limits. “Parents who are laid-back may not provide enough structure for a child who is more Type A,” says Dr. Berman. “Your child should know the house rules, have an idea of when he’s eating meals and have a regular bedtime routine. Children feel more in control when they know what’s expected and what comes next.”

Even with structure, your child will still be who he is. Your job is to think beyond your own personality to accommodate his, suggests Roni Cohen-Sandler, PhD, author of I’m Not Mad—I Just Hate You! A New Understanding of Mother-Daughter Conflict. “Schedule time for him to have active, vigorous and, ideally, outdoor play to blow off steam and energy, and realize you may have to speed up while you’re with him. To take care of yourself, carve out a little downtime every day.” You can also tap into your Zen tendencies to help your child relax and stay in control. Consider mom-kid yoga sessions or deep-breathing exercises to find some calm for both of you.