“You have cancer.” They are the three words that you hope you never have to hear—yet, at some point in your life, you may. And whether the diagnosis is for you or someone you love, those words will change your life forever. Amid the shock and waves of grief, anger, and sadness there will be decisions to make, appointments to book, and lives to rearrange. It’s an intimidating prospect, but—despite your fear and exhaustion—you won’t have the luxury of hiding under the covers and hoping it all goes away.
Admit that you and your family are in crisis. When you hear the word “crisis,” it typically conjures images of natural disasters and third-world countries—not something that is the result of a day at the doctor’s office. However, no matter how small a scale, a crisis is a turning point, one that denotes a pivotal change in your life. A diagnosis of cancer is just that. Aldrich says that you have to come to terms with the fact that your life has now changed, and move forward knowing that even though things won’t be the same, your life will continue—and it must.
Remember that knowledge is power. When you are faced with a terminal illness, there are so many things that are simply unknown to patients and their caregivers. The best remedy for feeling “armed and ready” during your fight with cancer is to equip yourself with information—a lot of it. Aldrich says that most patients and their families tend to defer to their doctor without realizing that they actually have a say in all decisions. Insist from the beginning that your medical team be direct and forthcoming with all information. Pay close attention at doctor’s appointments, ask for multiple recommendations, and stay grounded. You need to clearly understand your options, the side effects, and future concerns. After all, this is your life at stake.
Make use of the gifts of those around you. Chances are the people in your own inner circle, your family, friends, neighbors, and coworkers, all possess individual talents and resources that can help you face your fight. For example, perhaps you have a relative with experience in the medical field who can help you navigate the hospital system. Or maybe your neighbor has a gift for organization and can help you keep up with your paperwork and appointments. People really want to help, so don’t be afraid to ask. You’ll be amazed at the talent and resources that are available to you—often right in your own family!
Don’t stop with the first opinion. At the onset of your diagnosis, it’s important to remember that nobody, not even your doctor, can know what will happen—good or bad. Plus, doctors are human, not superhuman, and they can send you down the wrong path. One of the biggest mistakes people make after a diagnosis is failing to get a second, third, or even fourth opinion on their diagnosis and treatment options. Even if you have to travel out of state or across the country, it’s worth the effort if it means getting the best possible care.
No one knows a patient’s “expiration date.” Cancer is very serious and you don’t want to live in denial. Yet, you also don’t need to assume the worst. If your doctor says the typical patient with your kind of cancer lives six months, that doesn’t mean you have only six months. Maybe you have nine months or two years or even more time ahead of you. The doctor doesn’t know for sure. Assuming she knows how long you have sets you up psychologically to live until that date and no longer—and since outlook is such a critical part of the battle, that could have dire consequences.
Commit to face the cancer battle together. A cancer diagnosis is challenging in many ways. It can tax you mentally and physically—and it can put a real strain on your personal relationships. You have to go into it knowing that neither you nor your partner will survive this trial without the other one. Studies show that patients with poorly managed anger and pain may feel stress, fatigue, anxiety, depression, and guilt. They may even withdraw from loved ones. Sometimes that will hurt you both, but your mutual understanding of what is happening can make all the difference.
Remember, the patient has the final say. When you’re the patient, you’ll want to do everything in your power to fight your cancer and become a survivor. But there may come a time when it’s all too much, or when you don’t feel comfortable with a decision or treatment plan—and it’s okay for you to say no or ask for another opinion. Personal choice is critical in the fight against cancer, and keeping in mind that you have a choice can be both empowering and comforting.
Realize that life does go on (if you let it). A cancer diagnosis changes everything about the way you live—your capabilities, your schedule, and your ability to make future plans. And quite often, this loss of freedom and flexibility is one of the most difficult aspects of the disease for cancer patients to cope with. That’s why it’s critical to live your life as normally as possible. Get up every day, go to work if you are able, and stay active and involved with your friends and family. Despite how you may feel initially, your life does not have to come to a screeching halt. Finding the right balance will keep your spirits high and your attitude positive. Part of this balance is leaving the “what ifs” and “if onlys” at the door.
About the Author:
Joni James Aldrich believes that she has been preparing to write The Saving of Gordon and The Losing of Gordon for most of her life. As a child, she was a better than average student. She wrote dramatic poetry.
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