Shopping For Bras – Every Girl’s Guide

Image: Timothy Beau Photography

Going shopping for a new bra must rate alongside public floggings in terms of humiliating experiences for the average woman. Try doing it when your cup size is more than a DD. That moves it into a whole different realm.

I have thought long and hard about this and decided it would be helpful to come up with a guide, a sort of “what’s what” about the whole event.

Here’s what you need to know:

1. Expect it to take an entire day.

You cannot simply walk in, pick out the bra you want, try it on, and walk out. The minimum number you can be expected to try on will be 27, and each will have the straps hoisted up so they are an inch long, forcing you to spend 5 minutes undoing them first.

2. The shop you are in will have no toilets.

This will become apparent after Bra Seven, when you realize that everything you have taken off will have to be put back on before you start the whole process over.

3. The shop you are in will have no water cooler.

Despite bra fitting causing the average woman to sweat more than an Olympic triathlete, you may as well be in the Sahara Desert.

4. The shop assistant will be 15 years old and be called Shontelle.

She will have two expressions: Bored, and the one that reads: Are you kidding me? Only a sailcloth is going to cover those girls.

She will also be a BB cup.

5. The fitting room you are in will have a faulty lock.

This is so when you have finally got your kit off and are standing topless under fluorescent lights, sweating, your beloved child will suddenly push the door open so that all other shoppers can be greeted with the sight of your heaving bosom. This will also be on security camera.

6. Minimiser Bras are not good things.

Minimiser bras certainly do ensure your bust size is reduced – it is something akin to breast binding when you’ve had children – but they have a remarkable tendency to make your nipples look as though they are growing from your armpits. We don’t want this.

7. All bras for busty women are designed by men.

This is why they are extremely low cut, ensuring that your ample bosom spills out over the top like a burst watermelon. Men like that kind of thing.

8. The perfect bra will come in the colour Beige.

Despite the rainbow array of bras available to all other women, you will have a choice of one colour. Beige. Beige is often called “Fleshtone” in an attempt to spice it up a bit; make it a bit more sassy. This is ineffective. Your beige bra will have a number of interesting effects on your man, the most common being stifled laughter.

So there you have it, ladies. Forewarned is forearmed, as they say – you can now go forward with confidence, knowing the experience will be so dreadful that you won’t want to repeat it for another five years. Retailers know this too, of course. That’s why your special bra will cost eleven times the price of Shontelle’s. That’ll teach you for being a curvy girl.

About the Author
Anne Dillon lives in the beautiful South Island of New Zealand. She writes part time, and has been published in NZ Tramper, The Western Wanderer, and have had an article accepted for publication in the Readers Digest – coming up in the June issue. She’s a mom of three and a grandmom to three lovely grandchildren. Her motto: If you can’t laugh, what else have you got?