Even though anorexia never really goes away, I believe that in everyone’s life, they have at least one epiphany moment that comes to them when they least expect it. One day, as I walking to class, it suddenly struck me. I stopped mid-step and thought, I could be and was beautiful. Sure I was 15 pounds more than I wanted to be, but I had curves in all the right places. People fawned over my D-cup sized breasts and my hourglass hips and rounded butt. They didn’t see the stomach that came along with the weight; they saw the advantages of having the weight. I suddenly started to not feel so ashamed of eating anymore. I suddenly felt like maybe I didn’t need to count calories. I was freeing myself from the calorie checker on mypyramidtracker.gov. I wasn’t obsessing as much as before and it was okay to eat more than 500 calories a day. For the first time in my life, I was glamorous and I realized people were jealous. They were actually jealous of how I looked and what my weight, something I had always thought was a terrible curse to have, did for my body. I almost couldn’t fathom the idea. I still have to remind myself of that fact, even when I hear affirmation about it all. A girl from one of the creative writing workshops I run for work, out of nowhere said one day, “I’d give anything to have cleavage like you, you’re so lucky. I’m so jealous. I’ll never have that.” I had always wished for her flat stomach and small waist, but now she was wishing she looked more like me. How could this be true? Somehow, it was. And my new boyfriend loved the way I looked, supple and soft and with a chest that most girls wish they could have. A chest Korean girls call glamorous; larger breasts that they coveted. One girl even confessed to her own insecurity of not being “glamorous” saying, “When I’m with a boy, I never lie down, because well…” She didn’t have to finish her sentence for me to understand. At the time I found it amusing to even realize that some girls had to think that way. I was lucky to not feel that insecurity at least.
It’s been a long journey to get to where I am now, and it’s still a journey I take every day, but it’s something I think every woman battling against the media and society’s view of what perfection and beauty is needs to go through. I spent so much of my life feeling ashamed of myself when there were others who would give anything to have a figure like me. It’s still hard for me to admit sometimes, but sometimes I know the truth, curves are beautiful. Really, curves are what make a woman a woman. Childbearing hips and breasts to die for. What more could a real woman want?
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