Regardless of how much we love our husbands, let’s face it, they can be a source of frustration when they don’t do what we want them to. “Yet we expect them to be mind readers–somehow knowing what we want without us having to ask. Then, we get irritated when they continue their annoying behavior,” says Dr. Noelle Nelson, relationship expert and author of Your Man is Wonderful (Free Press, 2009).
“Husbands aren’t mind readers,” says Nelson. “But instead of communicating effectively with our spouse, we demand or manipulate. We typically dish out a healthy dose of the silent treatment or try the guilt method–with a scowl solidly fixed on our face–to try to get our spouse to figure out our needs.”
Many wives believe that husbands should automatically know what they want. “I’ve heard wives complain, ‘It’s not like we just met. Can’t he have the slightest bit of consideration for what I deserve, without my having to ask for it?’ That may work in fairy tales,” says Nelson, “but as wives should quickly figure out, real relationships take more than the wave of a wand or some magical thinking. They take communication of all sorts, including speaking up for what you want.”
Nelson explains, “Having to ask doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, it simply means your spouse is not a mind-reader. Which is a good thing, because let’s face it, you probably wouldn’t want him actually reading every thought that crosses your mind. Even if he can pretty much guess what you want, chances are he won’t get it right every time. He’ll feel like a failure, and you’ll still be unhappy. Not a good scenario.”
Nelson advises, “Be willing to take responsibility for what you want. Assume that he really wants to be there for you in every way, and that you can – together – always work out ways to satisfy most of what you both want and need. No, you won’t get what you want all of the time, but by asking, in a kind, loving way, you’ll get a lot more of it more often. Most importantly, you won’t be grinching and irritated. You’ll know if something is bothering you, you can just ask for ways to make it better. This method of communicating makes a huge difference in a marriage.”
About The Author: Dr. Noelle Nelson
My most recent book is Your Man Is Wonderful: How to Appreciate Your Partner, Romance Your Differences and Love the One You’ve Got (Free Press 2009). In addition, I am the best-selling author of Dangerous Relationships and Winning! (Prentice Hall, 1997), as well as author of the highly acclaimed Power of Appreciation series. I’ve appeared on national and international radio and TV including: CBS’s “The Early Show,” ABC’s “The View,” “The Montel Williams Show,” Fox News and CNN. I have also been quoted in publications including Cosmo, Redbook, Mademoiselle, People, Entrepreneur Magazine, and Inc.
Valery Amador, Daily Venus Diva -- Daily Venus Diva.
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